Being kind to yourself is difficult for most. When we are taught as children to treat others as we would like to be treated, did anyone teach you how to be kind to yourself? Was there a time when someone said, “You should show yourself some compassion.” Surprisingly, I don’t remember anyone saying those things to me.

Self-compassion involves three key elements that we put upon ourselves when we are in pain: self-kindness, common humanity (aka recognizing and acknowledging that you and everyone else around you feels pain and sadness), and mindfulness.

Self-compassion is important for mental wellbeing, healthy relationships, and a healthy soul; it is also important to build your resilience for coping with stressful life events, like divorce or failure. Self-compassion gives you the ability to look at your failures for what they are and reflect on the positives from the situation. Having self-compassion does not make you weak, narcissistic, or unaccountable, it is actually the opposite of all three. Self-compassion gives you strength and courage to do things you wouldn’t normally do, it makes you more aware of how you are treating your body and how to treat it better, and it gives you the space to admit your mistakes and learn from them, rather than running from them. It makes you fear failure less and pushed you towards your personal goals.

Personal Love Letter

How can you practice self-compassion? One way is by writing a letter to yourself. Start with these three prompts:

1. Think of an imaginary friend who is wise, loving, and compassionate and write a letter to yourself from the perspective of your friend.
2. Write a letter from the perspective of a dearly beloved friend who is struggling with the same concerns as you.
3. Write a letter from the compassionate part of yourself to the part of yourself that is struggling.

Writing these things from a different perspective will allow you to see your own thoughts in ways you never normally think about them. Allow the words to sit with you and let them comfort you as if they were coming from an old friend.

If you are looking to develop your resilience, try these exercises designed to rewire the way your brain reacts to certain events.

Shifting Awareness to the Present

This is an exercise from resilience expert Linda Graham for shifting our awareness and bringing acceptance to the experience of the moment. 

1. In any moment that you feel a difficult emotion, pause and put your hand on your heart.
   • This releases oxytocin, a hormone that stimulates feelings of trust and safety.
2. Concurrently, empathize with your experience and say to yourself “this is hard” or “this hurts” or “this is upsetting” to acknowledge and care about yourself when you experience something distressing
3. Repeat these phrases or phrases similar to yourself
   • May I be kind to myself in this moment
   • May I accept this moment exactly as it is
   • May I accept myself exactly as I am in this moment
   • May I give myself all the compassion I need

RAIN Meditation

One additional practice is The RAIN of Self-Compassion Meditation

Self-compassion is dependent on communicating honestly and directly with our vulnerabilities. This meditation practice focuses on addressing feelings of insecurity and unworthiness.

While exploring this meditation practice, you can either utilize RAIN as a stand-alone meditation practice or use a shortened version when needed to deal with challenging emotions.

RAIN stands for:

R – RECOGNIZE WHAT IS GOING ON

 

• Acknowledge the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are affecting us. Common signs of being stuck in a mindset of unworthiness are critical inner voice, feelings of shame or fear, the squeeze of anxiety or the weight of depression in the body.

 

A – ALLOW THE EXPERIENCE TO BE THERE, AS IS

 

• Allow the body to take in the unwanted thoughts, feelings and emotions and simply let them be there. Our body reacts to unpleasant experiences in one of three ways: piling on judgement, numbing ourselves to feelings, or redirecting our focus elsewhere. Allow your body experience these emotions, thoughts, and feelings instead of resisting does not imply that we agree with them.

 

I – INVESTIGATE WITH KINDNESS

 

• Call on your natural curiosity and investigate where these feelings are rooted. Ask yourself questions like: What most wants attention? How am I experiencing this in my body? What do I believe? What does this feeling want from me?

 

N- NATURAL AWARENESS

 

• Natural awareness occurs when our sense of self is loosened. Non-identification allows our sense of who we are to be disconnected from the overwhelming emotions, sensations, or stories. Natural awareness does not require you to do anything other than allow your natural state of awareness take over and rest the mind. No intentions necessary.

 

This practice is not a one-time shot, it is a practice for life! RAIN allows you to meet your doubts and fears with a healing presence. Give yourself a cleansing rain of kindness to supersede your trance of “not good enough” thoughts. As you practice this meditation, you may feel a sense of warmth, openness, and a shift to a more positive perspective. Trust that feeling and let it guide you to a more loving and accepting natural awareness.

Be aware of what your internal voice is saying and recognize when it is limiting your full potential. We are all worthy, intelligent, and important people so treat yourself as such.